THE SEXUAL TENSIONS OF THE CAST OF HARRY POTTER
by EVIL IS SEXY
Summary: My take on the story of Harry and other various characters and their sexual tensions and disasters. Includes pieces from all seven books and all five films.
1. Chapter 1

Why dobby really came to visit Harry at the Dursley's

(Dobby wants to "bless the resting place of the great Harry potter" and ends up covering most of his possessions with "curious white stuff."

Slowly Harry crept upstairs and sank onto his bed, he rolled over, and leapt off the bed in disgust. He had put his face in a sticky white stain that covered most of his pillow. "WTF???" he yelled. Slowly Dobby the house elf crawled out from under his desk. "Is something wrong Harry Potter?" Harry's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Dobby, have you been using my bed for something?" Dobby nodded furiously. "Whenever I come to visit you sir, the first thing I do is bless the resting place of the great Harry Potter!" He squeaked.

Slowly Harry revolved on the spot, looking round his bedroom for the first time. "Dobby I think you've "blessed" most of the stuff in here!!!" Harry complained looking at his lamp, desk, wardrobes, posters…and Hedwig. "Eeeeww!!! Dobby you got Hedwig!" Harry walked over for a closer look at his poor sticky owl. "Right in the eye too! Filthy house elf scum!!! Why couldn't you have just used a condom like the rest of us?" He asked disdainfully. Dobby eyes went large as saucers. "Because only Master Malfoy can give Dobby condoms!", He explained, "Condoms set house elves free!"

"I'll set you free you, you creepy little bugger!" growled Harry, and proceeded to hurl Dobby through his open window. As he watched Dobby extricate himself from Aunt Petunia's shrubs and limp away he fervently wished that Dobby would be unable to "bless" anything for a week.


	2. Chapter 2

Owl post

(what really came down the Dursley's chimney, aka, wizard porn)

Harry sat squished in between Dudley and his Uncle Vernon. Suddenly what appeared to be a furry grey tennis ball collided loudly with the Dursley's bay window. Harry leapt up, wrenched open the front door and jumped over a rose bush. The furry grey thing was an owl carrying the latest issue of _Wizardporn _(Harry's latest subscription) which showed an almost naked young witch straddling the giant squid from the Hogwarts school lake. Harry examined that with interest, he had always wondered whether the giant squid had a penis. He did not notice that Uncle Vernon had waddled out behind him and was reading over his shoulder. "What are you doing with that boy!!???" he yelled in Harry's ear.

Much later Harry was still being yelled at when another fluffy owl zoomed straight down the chimney and into Uncle Vernon's moustache. While it desperately tried to free itself from the enormous growth of face fuzz Harry noticed it had another issue of _Wizardporn_ clamped firmly in its beak. Before he could see what was on the front cover fur balls of all shapes and sizes began shooting down the chimney, dropping their magazazines onto the fast growing pile on the floor and taking off through the front door.

Uncle Vernon gave Harry mega evils over the small mountain of porn magazines. "Well?" he growled. "I… I bought a years subscription to _Wizardporn_," stammered Harry. "It looks like they've delivered them all at once…Oh well, at least I won't get bored over the summer holidays!" Harry smiled at he anticipated endless weeks of…er, 'reading'. "I might end up walking a bit funny though…" he laughed. Suddenly Uncle Vernon leaned down and snatched a magazine from the top of the pile. The title read _'DUMBLEDORE IN ALL HIS NUDEY GLORY!!! 34 page special!' _"Can I borrow this one?" asked Uncle Vernon hopefully. "Awww…" moaned Harry miserably. "I was gonna read that one tonight!" "That's ok," said Uncle Vernon with an evil grin, "We can share…my bed is big enough."

DISCLAIMER - once again i do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters, cos if i did i'd be rich, and i assure you... i ent.


	3. Chapter 3

Owl post

(what really came down the Dursley's chimney, aka, wizard porn)

Uncle Vernon took a biscuit from the plate, a smug grin plastered across his face. "Fine day, Sunday! Why is that Dudley?" Dudley shrugged before stuffing his biscuit into his mouth whole and reaching for another. Harry watched him with distaste, "because there's no post on Sundays?" Uncle Vernon looked overjoyed, "right you are Harry! No post on Sundays! No ruddy letters today…"

Uncle Vernon was cut off by a thick magazine shooting out of the fireplace and smacking him upside the head. He picked it up, his face already turning an unhealthy shade of red. Unhealthy for Harry that is… Silently he grabbed Harry by the arm and yanked him into the hallway. "What the Ruddy hell is this?!!" he yelled, stuffing the magazine into Harry's face and knocking his glasses askew.

Harry found himself staring at the familiar title "Wizard Porn!" and underneath the title was a scantily clad witch, her legs akimbo, spanking a wizard with a riding crop. Harry's brow furrowed in confusion. "That's not mine!" he protested, his nose wrinkling in distaste at the cover.

"Mines not due till tomorrow! And anyway, I get 'The Weekly Dumbledore!'" Uncle Vernon's eyes narrowed before his face split into a wide grin. "Dumbledore ey? Reckon I could have a loan of that?" Harry grimaced. "I was planning on spending the whole day with it actually…" Uncle Vernon winked. "We'll just have to compromise…don't mind sharing do you Harry?

Harry smiled. "Sure. I'd better go give this back to Mrs Figg though…" he reached out and took 'Wizard Porn' from his Uncle. "You know how cranky she gets when she's planning a wank…"

DISCLAIMER - once again i own nufin... just the ideas for warping the storyline....mwahahahahaha....


End file.
